Recently I have had a few situations where I've encountered dishonesty, whether it be from another person or myself. I am extremely active on multiple social media platforms and I put a large amount of effort into getting to know people in order to help them or build a friendship with them. And I've noticed quite a few things.
Of course, there's the obvious, no one on a social platform is one hundred percent their authentic self. We have photo editing apps, filters and the protection of distance and a keyboard that allow us to be who we want to be; even if it means being fake. Why? We live in a society so driven by vanity and expectations that people allow that pressure to make them choose to warp themselves. And it is all out of fear.
I've noticed that people will lie about simple things to get something out of you that they want. Whether it be some type of relationship, money or personal information about you and your life situation. People want to know things about you because they are so afraid of themselves they want to hear your sad stories and be your hero or maybe find solace somehow in your grief.
I've spent 90 percent of my life living and thriving off of fear. Fear gave me this: insecurity, anger, jealousy, a dishonest character, low self esteem, abandonment issues and a stolen identity. I still deal with fear everyday, every time I look into a mirror or have a moment in my head. Every day I tell myself that my fear is a liar.
I'm an avidly open person when it comes to my personal struggles and who I authentically am. I am a 31 year old woman who grew up in an extremely abusive environment, I have struggled with some form of mind altering substance since the age of 13 (without even realizing it wasn't normal). I have had a pretty rough marriage on and off for almost 13 years. I was hit by a bus while 9 months pregnant. I lost my daughter. I lost my uterus. And I thought I lost myself. But I've learned that I never lost "myself" because I never even knew the woman I was behind the trauma I had continually faced in life. Fear was my entire identity. I pretended to be this person that I wasn't until I stopped and chronically started drinking and isolating instead. Self-pity. Add that to fear. Recipe for a fucked up disaster that will ruin what little you there may be left.
If you've read my other posts you're well aware that I am a recovering alcoholic and I am definitely unashamed of where I have been and where I have ended up. I woke up one night because I had a moment of clarity where I knew I was going to die. I was going to kill myself before ever getting back up and fighting back.
I started my AA program and began realizing so many things that I cried more than I would ever admit. And I saw that fear was running my life and I was allowing it. 9 months into my program was when I finally had an awakening. I was getting my wallet and keys ready to head to the store for a case of beer. I was ready to give up my progress because of stress and fear. And I got a phone call as I was heading out the door. It was a wellness check from my insurance company to see if I had made any progress with finding a trauma and grief counselor. I got off the phone, put away my keys and wallet, and I called a counselor. I met her and was diagnosed with chronic complex PTSD. An answer I knew was coming but one I had never officially received.
I don't know what it was about that confirmation that flipped my brain the way it did but I left that day with the absolute determination to be exactly who I was meant to be despite my mental illness. And I have yet to look back. I have put more of myself out there than I ever thought I would. But you know what? I faced fear in the face and I told it to fuck off. And every single morning I make sure to repeat it.
In weeks I blossomed. I opened up to people about everything I could. I became confident in myself. I found a passion I had never experienced before. I applied for school again. I set boundaries that I had never been able to do before. I found peace because I was starting to find Alyssa. And I really love her. She's a pretty rad girl and I wish I could go back and tell her that 20 plus years ago.
So, like I stated, I've experienced some dishonesty from people attempting to connect with me due to my openness. Which is to be expected to a point. I won't ever let it deter me from being authentic to what and who I am. But I do want to reach out to those people and give them a message.
Take a chance on yourself and turn your back on fear. Don't allow your fears to hurt those around you because in the end, guess who loses? You. I thought I was going to get on here and rant and rave about frustrations and the hurtfulness of the world until I started writing. I always remember that everyone is sick in their own way. I can only hope that my story can show you that letting fear control you will destroy you. And, trust me, that's a lonely, destructive, dreadful path that will end badly. You're not living, you are existing in a savage battle against yourself.
Fear is a fucking liar.