So I've known for a couple of weeks now that I am going to be entering a mediation with the farm involved in my accident. The day for this mediation is tomorrow, August 12th. When I was first informed by my lawyer I was still on a high from everything going on with my surrogacy and the effects and heaviness of this day did not really settle into my thoughts. Yesterday I went shopping for an outfit. I am trying to go for business attire. Something that will cover all of my tattoos, because as much as I hate to admit it, people will judge you off of the ink on your skin. I bought four pairs of pants and 5 shirts. I tried things on at the store; probably looked like I was stealing with the amount of trips I took to the fitting room. And, again, I tried everything on at home. I hated every outfit. I even bought two pairs of shoes. Two. Why???? And then, today, I dragged my uncle and nephew to Target and bought yet another shirt to try. I spent twenty minutes trying things on and begging my uncle to be honest with me about what I should wear. I finally picked an outfit. I still don't feel comfortable. I wish I could wear scrubs or sweatpants and throw my hair up in a bun instead of trying to be this 'put together' version of myself that is so untrue.
Now, sitting here alone, the night before this big day, I am wondering why I've put so much pressure on myself when I've done nothing wrong. Why do we do this to ourselves? I literally don't have to do or say anything tomorrow. I have to sit in a room and listen to a lot of people discuss things they truly know nothing about (not like I do) and argue over money. Never did I think that this would become such an argument. I kind of had this idea in my head that these people might feel for me and the situation I've been left with. Bills and expenses I would have never had before that day have now been a controlling factor in my every day life. Yet, here I am. About to sit in this room, dressed in a way I would NEVER actually dress, and keep quiet while people argue over MY LIFE circumstances and the issues I deal with after the trauma I was dealt. So, again, why am I so nervous?
I guess it's because this isn't me. Dressing up and showing up to prove a point that, in their minds, is improvable. Because why would I deserve anything when they did everything right, supposedly? Why is it right that I am spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on the aftermath of the accident that I did not cause? At the end of the day, the numbers are far more important than the human(s) involved. And that's sad, terrible and a proven point as to why this country is struggling so badly. Humanity has been lost. This is how our legal system works. Do you know, that because certain judges are on certain political 'sides' that it can be a determining factor in the outcome of a criminal case? That is what I (and certain state officials) believe happened in my case. Politics, the hate, illegal immigration perspectives; it all impacted the outcome of my case. A human died. My daughter, who was two weeks away from being born, lost her life due to the actions of another human being. I barely escaped with my own life. It didn't matter what race that person was or where they came from. It mattered that their actions completely destroyed my life and snuffed out my daughter's chance of ever opening her eyes and made it impossible for me to ever get pregnant again. EVER. Yet, because of the person he was, and the position I am in, he got away with running TWO red lights and hitting my car on June 5th, 2017 while going above the posted speed limit.
So, now, who is left to fight for their livelihood even still? I am. And, I will gladly do that. Nervous wreck and all. I will dress up, feel uncomfortable, wobble into the room with my shiny new heels and hold my head high. For myself. For my daughter. For all of the victims in the world who have a battle they have to fight, willingly or unwillingly. And I will walk away knowing that, regardless of winning or losing, I am doing well; I am surviving and living the best life I can. That's really all any of us can do. SO, wish me mounds of luck for tomorrow and pray to the hair and makeup Gods/Goddesses that I at least have that put together to distract from the outfit I will be feeling completely uncomfortable in.
Thanks again, for reading and supporting! You all are the best!